I make kale salad when I’ve been abusing my body and need a shitload of vegetables in me, stat.
But first off, let’s all agree that this big American love affair with kale is a steaming load of BS.
Kale has been around since before forever; it’s not some new thing. There are other vegetables that are more nutritious, and the ‘superfood’ label is a pretty slippery, scammy thing anyway. Kale is a cruciferous vegetable, another phenotypic repackaging of cabbage, just like broccoli, brussels sprouts, and cauliflower. It won’t suddenly clear up your skin, or make your orgasms 108% more intense, or banish that lingering malaise that you blame your bad moods on. Kale is not a miracle drug.
It’s just a plant, and you can eat it, and it’s good for you.
Glad that’s out of the way.
So sometimes I stay up late working and don’t eat very well. That’s a really poor habit for a food blogger, but it happens. Every once in a while, my body will let me know that vegetables, especially greens, need to make an appearance in my stomach or there will be intestinal hell to pay. I need something that’s fast, tasty, and easy to eat a bite or two at a time while I continue to write, or edit, or SEO-ize, or whatever the hell it is that us food bloggers are busy doing.
HOW TO MAKE KALE SALAD THAT DOESN’T SUCK BALLS
Kale has a problem. Its leaves are tough, and sometimes slightly spiky, neither of which are desireable qualities in a food. Cooking tames it down, but if you’re using raw kale, you’ve got to find another way to make it palatable.
Salt it and squeeze it.
That’s all there is. Once I’ve got my kale washed and cut— Okay, truth, I usually just buy a big bag of precut, read-to-eat kale from Aldi. I throw a couple of big handfuls of that into a big mixing bowl, toss in a pinch of salt, and start squeezing.
It’s not a big deal. It takes maybe twenty seconds. The salt draws moisture out of the leaves and makes them easier to squeeze, and the massaging breaks up the heavy fiber to the point that you can bite through them without breaking a tooth.
After that, I throw on whatever dressing is around. Last time was leftover tzatziki, this time it’s vinaigrette. Add a few cubes of cheese, maybe a bit of meat if it’s around, and you’re good to go. I had some leftover chicken and some cheddar cheese, but food is beautiful because it’s YOURS: you put whatever the hell you want on there.
Got steak and blue cheese? Sounds awesome. Carnitas and swiss? Sweet action. Sardines and muenster?
Maybe you should just follow my recipe.
- 2 cups raw kale, washed and torn or cut into bite-size pieces
- 1/8 tsp salt
- 1/4 cup balsamic vinaigrette
- 1/4 cup cooked chicken, cubed or shredded
- 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, cubed
- 1. In a large mixing bowl, add the salt to the kale. Squeeze the kale until it is softened. This shouldn't take more than maybe a minute.
- 2. Add the vinaigrette and toss until combined.
- 3. Portion the salad into bowls and top with the chicken and cheese.
- 4. Eat that shit. Good poopin'!